Top 10 Reasons to NOT Have Sex: 6-10

Once again, in no particular order. Once again, exposing a lot...

REASON SIX: Because you’ve done it before with this person. Why not do it again?

Ah, routines. One of the most important reasons why I moved to Puerto Rico was to break free from what my life in New York City had turned into: a restrictive set of ossified routines. I didn’t come here to fall into another set of habits, whether they be for work or play. But sometimes, we find ourselves falling into the most tedious of sexual ruts. And it’s only when we’re in the middle of one (shot-beer-bat my eyelashes-whisper something suggestive-caress my…-shot-beer-flash a smile-whisper something suggestive-caress my…-car-fuck-bed-fuck-sofa-fuck-kitchen-fuck) with someone we’ve slept with before but are not too interested in making it happen again, that we can really appreciate how knee-deep in the shit we actually are.

Sexual routines come in at least two unexciting flavors: first, is the one that finds us fucking the same person just because s/he knows our bodies, or because s/he is somewhat reliable, or because it’s just an easy lay. Second, is the one that finds you fucking in the same position over and over again because you know you’ll get off easily that way or because you know it’ll get your partner off and you want that to happen fairly quickly because you have other shit to do. I know I can’t be the ONLY woman in the world that will hop on top of guy during bad sex because I know I’m more likely to cum when I’m on top. You know when that happens, when the sex is so boring and you might as well be dead because it wouldn’t make a difference to the beast who is sweating on top of you anyway and you decide to take shit into your own hands and at least help yourself to an orgasm, for chrissake. And you know the best way to do that is to ride him, so you do it not because you want to share a delicious orgasm with this sweaty beast now underneath you but just because…just because. And then you turn around and let him hit it doggy style cuz you know he’ll cum approximately 18.7 seconds after he breaches the walls of your yawning vagina.

The first routine I mentioned, although not necessarily as oppressive as the one I just explained, is still a dangerous one to fall into. Why am I having sex with the same person even though I really don’t like them? Is it because I’m not trying to find sexual release anywhere else? Do I think I can’t find it anywhere else and I am settling for someone I know will give it to me? Why am I calling this person who really doesn’t make me feel all that good in the first place? Is it because it’s a Wednesday and for the past ten Wednesdays I’ve shared a bed with this man? Sex without the emotional risk. It sounds fantastic but it can also be quite burdensome.

REASONS SEVEN AND EIGHT: Because you know the other person wants it really badly or because you’ve already kinda, sorta started to.

So I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the word “consent” and the term “consensual sex.” And I’ve come to the conclusion that I have to be a lot more vocal when I don’t want to have sex. I mean, I’m already fairly open with my partners about what I like, dislike, and want to have absolutely nothing to do with. But there are still sometimes when I find myself having sex with someone and it hurts or I’ve fallen out of the mood or we’re doing something that I find uncomfortable but yet I continue to do it. And I’m a a little scared to admit that but I have a feeling that a lot women have felt similarly before. Whether it’s because the relationship is new and you don’t want to disappoint your partner sexually or because it’s late into the relationship and you don’t have the energy to stop all those unwanted thrusts, I think women have sex when they don't want to more often than we admit. And I think there exists in the popular media this notion that this is okay. That one of the things we have to put up with is the unwanted sexual advances of men, whether they be strangers on the street or people you love enough to let rest in your arms. There is clear difference in my mind between rape and this kind of “I’ll-look-the-other-way-while-you-fuck-me” thing. I think. I mean, I know…the difference…I do. I do. But sometimes when I am underneath a man, huffing and grunting absentmindedly on top of me (always it happens when they’re on top of me), I wonder what he would say if he knew just how much I wanted to break that vein bulging out of his neck with my teeth and watch him bleed to death.

I hate doing things I don’t want to do.


I will not fuck anyone out of pity, because his balls are blue, or because maybe he has already tasted the inside of me. I will fuck someone because I want to. And when I don’t want to anymore, I will stop. I think that’s worth posting as a facebook message.

REASON NINE: Because you want him to stay and cuddle.

Never gonna happen. If you’re in some kind of argument or otherwise fucked up situation with someone, just because you give up the pussy does not mean s/he is going to stay. As a matter of fact, with dudes I have found the opposite to be true. They leave because they’ve already gotten the best part, i.e. the pussy. Do I sound bitter? I don’t mean to but it’s just so undeniably true! I really wish it weren’t. Y no es todo el tiempo que quiero hacer mimos después del sexo...de hecho, unless I really like you, I don’t even want to wake up in the middle of the night to your leg brushing gently up against mine. It’s like a cat looking for attention so it rubs its nasty self on your leg when you’re at your computer or eating or whatever. I just want to sleep! I don’t want to be reminded of your stupid presence. And anyway, doesn’t it feel good to tell a guy to fuck off after sex?

(Scene: My bedroom. Late at night. On my bed. Only one lamp is on. The sheets are crumpled on the floor and me and a boy are laying side by side, sweaty and panting. The boy runs his fingers up and down my arm. The condom is still on his penis.)
Me: Uh, that was great. Thanks. A lot. That was awesome.
Him: Yeah…You’re so…
Me: I really wanna sleep by myself tonight.
Him: Oh, word…it’s cool. I can leave. (He reaches for his underwear. Unfortunately he still has his socks on and I HATE that.)
Me: Really? You don’t mind? You’re such a sweetheart. (I turn over onto my side and close my eyes.) Do me a favor and turn off the lights as you leave. The door locks automatically.

But when I really like someone, cuddling is just as spectacular as sex (I fucking mean that, too). Tell me: what could possibly feel better than being spooned by someone wonderful? What is as perfect as curling up and putting your booty into his crotch while he wraps his arms around your chest and kisses your ears while you kiss the inside of his elbows, that clammy spot where his bicep meets his forearm? Ay Virgencita…But fucking him will not bring your booty to rest next to his beautifully exhausted genital area. Even if it does, let’s just say he spends the night, he’s still gonna leave in the morning. And the fact is that to your insecure ass, that’s still not enough. He’s still leaving and you still want him to stay inside of you, to sleep inside of you forever. So when he leaves, at night or in the morning, you will pull the sheets close to your chest and you will feel abysmally alone.

REASON TEN: Because he reminds you of an asshole ex.

Maybe it’s because he’s a Leo and your ex that you caught fucking some other chick at a party was a Leo.
Maybe it’s because he plays an instrument and it’s the same instrument your ex played, the same fucking ex who was inexcusably emotionally abusive.
Maybe it’s because he kisses you the same way as this other dude once did…

It doesn’t matter! If I perceive that there is something substantial in you that reminds of me of a dickhead ex, I can’t have sex with you, I’m sorry. Because then I’ll be making all these unfair comparisons between you and him. I'll start making up all these reasons why everything you do reminds me of him! And even if it's an ex I broke up with amicably, I still shouldn't be making those comparisons. It's a good thing there are billions of people in this world and that many of them are very different from one another because that way I have lots of chances to meet people that don't remind me of the three people in this world I really don't want to be reminded of. Like, please don’t ask me to date a Sagitarius again because I won’t. They’ll just wind up always putting their needs before mine, hell, before they remember that I even have needs. Nope.

Live and learn. That’s what I (try really really really hard) to do.