Spit or Swallow?

Dear Dude,
I am not, under any circumstances whatsoever, no matter how drunk, high, or horny I am, no matter how many pornographic movies I watch and wish to learn from, going to eat your cum. No, you can’t win me over with that shit. Don’t rub my knee, say “come on ma, just a little taste,” and try to tell me it doesn’t taste bad because you know what? I’ve tried it. And you know what else? It’s gross. Fucking nasty. Slimier than okra. With the consistency of watered-down mayonnaise. And the taste…ugh the taste. The taste is like one of those shitty pretzels you get at the mall, only thing shittier and more stale: sweet and salty—which is usually one of my favorite flavor combinations but not when it comes to this guys, not when it comes to this.
In a story that I recently wrote, I included the following memory. I’m going to include it here but don’t be mad when my book of short stories blows up and I’m more famous than Junot fucking Díaz and you realize that you’ve already read part of it; it’s only a little part anyway. Once when I was in eighth grade, this massive girl (massive, like a big, fat girl) named Janice came up to me and asked me the following question: SPIT OR SWALLOW? I hadn’t yet been presented with the opportunity to give head but I answered the best way I knew how to: I thought about it hard but only for like five seconds because I didn’t want her to know that I had to think about it. I wanted her to know that I knew. Spitting seemed awkward. Where to spit it? How to do it in a way that didn’t belie the high level of sexiness that of course I possessed at 14 years old? Swallowing seemed like the only logical answer. So I said, “uh, swallow?” And she said, “of course, right!?” and gave me a pound. Clearly I answered correctly and she marked my answer down in her Spanish notebook.

Since then, I’ve swallowed my fair share of SEE-MEN. I won’t say how much, mostly cuz I don’t know. But it’s not that much. But then again, what is a lot of cum to swallow in one’s lifetime? A cup? A gallon? A barrel? I do not wish to weigh myself against any porn star because, as we all know, porn is about excess—of course swallowing fifteen loads of cum at once is a lot but who does that on a regular basis? (Oh my God, you do? Wild.) And no one is ever going to say, “you know what, I’ve eaten so much cum in my life I have like a fucking 20 layer cumcake in stomach.” Ugh. So we’ll never really know how much cum the average person who likes to give head has swallowed. The point is, I’ve done it and I AM SO OVER IT, papa. Been there, done that. Hated it. I mean, a little.

But you know what, mi amor, I’d much rather swig your stale pretzel, liquid mayonnaise load then eat your semen when it tastes like fucking “Hard Apple.” WTF? Apparently, these supplements, called Sweet Release (the play on words alone makes me want to vomit), claim to naturally “enhance” the taste of your jiz. I hate that. Wanna know why? Of course you do, here’s why:
  1. It further alienates us from the natural state of our bodies. Raise your hand if you’ve tasted your own cum. If you didn’t raise your hand, run to the nearest bathroom and jerk off right now. Do what you must to get yourself turned on but you have to bust a nut right now and taste it. I’ll give you a few minutes. (...Twiddle my fingers, whistle a tune...) Are you back? Good. What’d it taste like? You liked it, didn’t you, you nasty freak? The taste of cum is not the best in the world but I was exaggerating a bit before; it’s not the worst thing ever. It’s certainly not worse than okra. But there is a certain deliciousness in knowing that that flavor comes from our bodies. If it’s not delicious then that’s probably because you’re not eating delicious things (see # 3). We should know what our bodies smell like, taste like, and look like when they are healthy. If we don’t, how are we going to know if something has gone wrong and we have to fix it?
  2. It supports our awful addiction to all things artificial and makes us believe that the natural taste of our bodies is bad. The really shitty thing is that as I am writing this I am drinking a Diet Coke—God, I hate myself—but no one’s perfect right? So, if you haven’t noticed it on my profile, I live in San Juan, Puerto Rico. One of the things one notices immediately about Puerto Rico—that is, if s/he has even the weakest critical thinking skills—is how awful our diet is. I’m not talking about all the malanga, ñame, and yuca we eat. The Taínos survived for centuries on that shit. Remember, it wasn’t heart disease or Type 2 diabetes that killed the Taínos. It was colonization and its concomitant massacres and small pox plagues (Rule #1 for people of color: never EVER accept a blanket from a European). I’m also not talking about the irresistible 2:30am empanadilla de pizza that one must eat after a long night of drinking. No, I’m talking about the fact that Puerto Rico’s land is more fucking fertile than the octomom after her “treatments” but yet its people don’t eat what naturally comes from the land. Puerto Ricans eat fast food, pre-packaged food, and frozen food con cojones even though everything we need to survive and be healthy is at our fingertips. As a people, Puerto Ricans are alienated from nature and the food it brings us. Puerto Ricans prefer Yellow #5 to bananas, partially hydrogenated soybean oil to beans, mono- and diglycerides to rice, sour apple flavored cum to cum flavored cum. Clearly, I understand the relationship between US colonialism and the ubiquitousness of fast food chains and pre-processed foods and how those foods are generally cheaper than buying the products that are grown here. I could write about that shit too. But what concerns me in this article is how that addiction to artificialness has turned into a scorn for things natural. I think that is connected to our desire to scorn the natural state of our bodies, including our natural taste. What tastes natural is bad but Hard Apple is good. What the fuck is Hard Apple anyway? There is no such apple that is called the Hard Apple. But I guess if Sweet Release gave the pill a Granny Smith Apple flavor that wouldn’t be sexy.
  3. It is a quick fix that teaches us nothing about the value of nutrition to a healthy state of sexual being. Wanna know a secret? Come closer, closer, yes, let me sit on your lap. Now listen up: some leche already tastes better than others, naturally. It’s true. For instance, I’m sure if I swallowed the cum of the guy who I’m seeing now, a vegetarian, it would taste a lot better than the leche of say, the sweaty, fat fuck two cubicles down from me in the library. I have nothing against sweaty, fat fucks but don’t ask me to drink your Sweet-and-Sour Shrimp-Snickers sperm ever, like, EVER. Certain foods are known to naturally enhance the taste of your jiz and guess what, they’re the same foods that are known to be really good for you in general. Most important is water; drink lots of it to rid your body of toxins that can potentially wind up in your cum. After that try some of these: papaya, mango, grapes, melons, parsley, celery, cinnamon, peppermint, pineapple and lemon. They’re never going to make your cum taste fruity and fresh but these foods have been known to make your cum a little sweeter. On the other hand, there are foods that one should avoid if he wants better tasting spooge. Red meat, dairy, broccoli, onions, garlic, cauliflower, and asparagus are the biggest offenders. Red meat and dairy are especially known to make your ejaculate more salty—that’s exactly what we DON’T want, guys. If we rely on pills like Sweet Release to make our cum taste good then we are cheating ourselves out of the knowledge of how to make ourselves more healthy. It’s like not showering but using cologne and expecting it to cover the smell of your B.O. Soon all your going to smell is your cologne and you’ll never really know that you smell like shit.
In closing, dudes, yes alright fine, I’ll swallow. But not under all circumstances and not just any leche. Like, I’ve decided that I really have to know you in order to swallow. It’s definitely NOT a sex-on-the-first-date thing, or even the second or third. It’s more like our first-STI-test-came-out-negative-and-let’s-celebrate thing. Y tú me tienes que mamar bien rico antes. Si no, pueh…sorry, you’re out of luck. And so let’s say I like you and you’re a great, big pussy worshipper, I still won’t drink your cum if you have poor hygiene and/or eating habits. And let’s say I like you and you’re a great, big pussy worshipper and I happen to be convinced that I should swallow (which, may I remind you, has nothing to do with your skills of persuasion and you should NEVER EVER ask me to swallow cuz if you do I’ll fuck you up; it’s MY decision, okay?). And if I swallow and it tastes like “Hard Apple,” I’m gonna be really pissed because you would have adulterated my palate with your phony phallic ejaculate. Keep it natural, keep it healthy and if you’re nice to me and smart and funny and good in bed, oh yeah, I’ll lick it up without question.



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