Bend Over, Boo; It's Your Turn (Verse 3)

God for-fucking-bid, a dude gives up some of his power. Okay, I get it, you have a dick and, if we’re going to define sex as penetration, then your dick needs to be hard for us to be able to start. And, alright alright, I also get that you essentially get to decide when the shit is over, too. And pa’ colmo, even though this has nothing to do with sex, you get to pee wherever the fuck you want. Dudes, alright, your dicks are pretty cool. But you know what, motherfuckers? I get to cum as many times as I want. So when you get off and I’m not done and I think I wanna bust a nut just one more time, I’m gonna masturbate, right in your face and stick my tongue out at you as I do it, just to rub it in your sweaty face. Wait…you want me to rub it in your face?

Sorry. The point is that dudes think that just because they have the dicks they get to do the penetrating, they get to have all the power. Uh uh. No fucking way. That’s fucked up for the following reasons:

1. It’s based on the stupid, archaic belief that there can only be sex with penetration, which is why foreplay only counts as “calentando” and dummies always ask lesbians how they have sex.
2. It makes the penetrator the powerful, masculine role and the penetrated the weak, feminine role. This breaking down of sex into gender roles is limiting, not fun, and totally UN-sexy.
3. If we reduce sex to penetration, then we are essentially equating sex with procreation. And therefore we are delegitimizing not just anal sex but other kinds of queer sex as well.

WTF, dudes! Give it up and bend over cuz here is my finger and it’s coming straight for your ass. Okay, okay, okay…Let’s just forget about the power dynamics involved in anal sex for a moment and think about pleasure pure and simple. Hombres, if I told you that I could give you something that would make you feel so pleasurable, you’d cum almost instantly and it’s not heroin, crack, or some weird substance that will make mushrooms sprout from your back, wouldn’t you say “dale! Let’s do it!”? Of course you would. You’re not stupid, are you? Well that’s what anal sex is.

Clearly the real banal sex queens out there are dudes, so concerned about preserving their masculinity, that they have created a cage for themselves. And not some kind of sexy cage like in wrestling matches or that absurd Shakira video but like one of those cages in which they put baby cows to fatten them up to turn them into osso buco. You can’t move, you’ve paralyzed yourselves with your own masculinity and now all you can have is boring, banal sex. Considera las palabras de Anabel Ochoa, sexóloga, psicóloga, y escritora española: “entre varones, en el hombre que es penetrado supone impactar directamente la estimulación de la próstata (el llamado punto G masculino [I didn’t know y’all had one of those too!]) de modo que provoca una eyaculación automática en escopeta casi sin quererlo por automatismo de esta glándula.”

!!!

An orgasm so hard and intense, you can’t control it when your prostate is poked just a little?! Word?! That’s the dopest shit I’ve read in a while, like since I read Milan Kundera’s thoughts on poo. Come on guys, you know you wanna try it.

However (sigh), I understand the strength of social roles. I also understand that masculinity is nothing if not a performance. And for a straight dude, getting it up the butt is not part of that play. But remember, gender identity was not created to make us feel more free. In fact, gender norms only serve to limit our possibilities by making us fearful of breaking them. The gender police suck and we shouldn’t listen to them. Since when should we take advice on how to have fun from a fucking cop? When was the last time you looked at a cop and wanted to ask him/her where the party was? Never. That never fucking happens. So why are you letting some invisible force police your goddamn gender when you could be having some dope sex right now?

If there is anything that I hope for my readers to get out of this (very long) manifesto on anal sex, and indeed my blog in general, it is that good sex requires a lot of trust. And I am not just talking about trust between you and your partner but trust in oneself. I have to love myself enough to trust that my desires are valid, important, and deserve to be fulfilled by someone who respects me and finds it is sexy and beautiful that I am a human being with desires. As I said in Verse 1, if I can’t talk to my partner, I shouldn’t be having sex with that person. Okay, okay…God knows I have had my share of random sex and I will probably have a few more (hopefully not too) awkward sexual encounters with someone who doesn’t know me—or care about me, for that matter. But those are not going to be the times when I divulge how to really turn my ass out.

Lola’s 10 Point Program to Having Great Anal Sex:

Here it is. Print this shit out and put it on your refrigerator, yeah your refrigerator, because you should definitely be having butt sex in the kitchen.

On behalf of all people who wish to liberate themselves from the shackles of sexual banality and enjoy the pleasures of anal penetration, I declare the following:

1. We deserve to find someone chill and made up of at least 75% wonderfulness. The other 25% cannot be assholeness but it can be awkwardness, bad dancing skills, or a random sense of humor. This ratio assures that you can always talk to your partner about having to maybe deal with shit and that they will listen if you have to tell them to stop if you no longer feel comfortable.
2. We will use lube so as to not tear our rectums. I can’t emphasize enough how important this is. It’s really hot if you have a vagina and you’re already so wet that you can just transfer some of that natural lube to your ass but if that can’t happen then you definitely need to make sure that you have some lube on hand—and I mean real lube not lotion, especially not if it’s perfumed; our assholes are sensitive and you don’t want to put some harsh frangrance or chemical up there.
3. We will practice breathing exercises. We all know how important breathing is to achieving orgasm. Don’t we all hold our breath when we feel it there, right there? And when we need to relax, aren’t we told to “take a deep breath”? Well lets put these two together and we can make sure that anal sex always feels good. The last time I had anal sex, there was this moment in which it started to feel a little uncomfortable, then I breathed in deeply and found that I could take his entire penis in my ass. And I totally got off and he did too and it was fucking glorious.
4. We will try to poop before and clean up. Just because you have to face the reality that you might encounter poop if you’re sticking something up your ass doesn’t mean that you have to expect it or swim in it when you’re fucking. Nah, try to let it all out before you expect to have sex and make sure the area is as clean as possible. You should also make sure to clean up afterward. There are gross things that live in poop and those gross things can give you gross things. Yuck. You could even take a shower together after; I love that!
   
5. We will use condoms. It turns out that our bums are like sponges and are more susceptible to sexually transmitted infections than other areas of our bodies. Unless you and your partner have both tested negative and have both made the (sober) decision to not use condoms, don’t risk it. Wrap it up, kiddies.
6. We will make sure everything is stimulated. The very talented among us are capable of getting off just through anal penetration. Many of us, however, need some extra help. Here is where I good toy comes in handy because the best is when I can be penetrated both anally and vaginally (damn, I sure am an open book, huh?). Play with my clitoris; that’s always awesome. But be forewarned, that’s how Becky uh, lost control.
7. We will always make sure to give and receive. It’s always best this way. To get anally penetrated is awesome but it’s also great to know that you are giving someone one of the best sexual sensations of their lives. Besides nobody likes a sapo in bed; you know, someone who just lies there como un sapo while the other person does all the work.
8. We want you to play with and tease our culos first. Remember? SUA-VE-CI-TO. Teasing doesn’t just heighten the dopeness that is sex, it also serves the very practical purpose of getting us ready for it. By playing with the anus before actually penetrating it, you can make your partner relax as well as want it more. This is especially true for those who are new to anal sex. Use a pinky, a tongue, some nice vibrating anal beads (oh yeah, they make those. Anyone, wanna buy me a Christmas present?), whatever; just make your partner want it.
9. We want the lines of communication open. Before, during, and after anal sex. Before: talk about poop and about your desires. During: do you like it? Was one position better than another? Does it hurt too much and you want to stop? After: What did you like/dislike? What do you want to try next? ¡Habla, coño!
10. We recognize the political, social, and emotional implications of what we’re doing and feel awesome about fucking outside of the box. The supreme level of relationship incredibleness is not reached simply by having great sex. It’s when you can have great sex with someone who thinks about what that great sex means. I love it, love it, love it when I can fuck someone’s brains out while saying “fuck it” to the world and “fuck you” to my insecurities.

Well, there it is darlings. I hope you have learned something or at least feel more vindicated in your desires. If this post gets just one person to love anal sex, I know I have done my job. And if you're that person, please let me know so I can die in about 100 years knowing that I truly am an agent of change.