Bend Over, Boo; It's Your Turn (Verse 3)

God for-fucking-bid, a dude gives up some of his power. Okay, I get it, you have a dick and, if we’re going to define sex as penetration, then your dick needs to be hard for us to be able to start. And, alright alright, I also get that you essentially get to decide when the shit is over, too. And pa’ colmo, even though this has nothing to do with sex, you get to pee wherever the fuck you want. Dudes, alright, your dicks are pretty cool. But you know what, motherfuckers? I get to cum as many times as I want. So when you get off and I’m not done and I think I wanna bust a nut just one more time, I’m gonna masturbate, right in your face and stick my tongue out at you as I do it, just to rub it in your sweaty face. Wait…you want me to rub it in your face?

Sorry. The point is that dudes think that just because they have the dicks they get to do the penetrating, they get to have all the power. Uh uh. No fucking way. That’s fucked up for the following reasons:

1. It’s based on the stupid, archaic belief that there can only be sex with penetration, which is why foreplay only counts as “calentando” and dummies always ask lesbians how they have sex.
2. It makes the penetrator the powerful, masculine role and the penetrated the weak, feminine role. This breaking down of sex into gender roles is limiting, not fun, and totally UN-sexy.
3. If we reduce sex to penetration, then we are essentially equating sex with procreation. And therefore we are delegitimizing not just anal sex but other kinds of queer sex as well.

WTF, dudes! Give it up and bend over cuz here is my finger and it’s coming straight for your ass. Okay, okay, okay…Let’s just forget about the power dynamics involved in anal sex for a moment and think about pleasure pure and simple. Hombres, if I told you that I could give you something that would make you feel so pleasurable, you’d cum almost instantly and it’s not heroin, crack, or some weird substance that will make mushrooms sprout from your back, wouldn’t you say “dale! Let’s do it!”? Of course you would. You’re not stupid, are you? Well that’s what anal sex is.

Clearly the real banal sex queens out there are dudes, so concerned about preserving their masculinity, that they have created a cage for themselves. And not some kind of sexy cage like in wrestling matches or that absurd Shakira video but like one of those cages in which they put baby cows to fatten them up to turn them into osso buco. You can’t move, you’ve paralyzed yourselves with your own masculinity and now all you can have is boring, banal sex. Considera las palabras de Anabel Ochoa, sexóloga, psicóloga, y escritora española: “entre varones, en el hombre que es penetrado supone impactar directamente la estimulación de la próstata (el llamado punto G masculino [I didn’t know y’all had one of those too!]) de modo que provoca una eyaculación automática en escopeta casi sin quererlo por automatismo de esta glándula.”

!!!

An orgasm so hard and intense, you can’t control it when your prostate is poked just a little?! Word?! That’s the dopest shit I’ve read in a while, like since I read Milan Kundera’s thoughts on poo. Come on guys, you know you wanna try it.

However (sigh), I understand the strength of social roles. I also understand that masculinity is nothing if not a performance. And for a straight dude, getting it up the butt is not part of that play. But remember, gender identity was not created to make us feel more free. In fact, gender norms only serve to limit our possibilities by making us fearful of breaking them. The gender police suck and we shouldn’t listen to them. Since when should we take advice on how to have fun from a fucking cop? When was the last time you looked at a cop and wanted to ask him/her where the party was? Never. That never fucking happens. So why are you letting some invisible force police your goddamn gender when you could be having some dope sex right now?

If there is anything that I hope for my readers to get out of this (very long) manifesto on anal sex, and indeed my blog in general, it is that good sex requires a lot of trust. And I am not just talking about trust between you and your partner but trust in oneself. I have to love myself enough to trust that my desires are valid, important, and deserve to be fulfilled by someone who respects me and finds it is sexy and beautiful that I am a human being with desires. As I said in Verse 1, if I can’t talk to my partner, I shouldn’t be having sex with that person. Okay, okay…God knows I have had my share of random sex and I will probably have a few more (hopefully not too) awkward sexual encounters with someone who doesn’t know me—or care about me, for that matter. But those are not going to be the times when I divulge how to really turn my ass out.

Lola’s 10 Point Program to Having Great Anal Sex:

Here it is. Print this shit out and put it on your refrigerator, yeah your refrigerator, because you should definitely be having butt sex in the kitchen.

On behalf of all people who wish to liberate themselves from the shackles of sexual banality and enjoy the pleasures of anal penetration, I declare the following:

1. We deserve to find someone chill and made up of at least 75% wonderfulness. The other 25% cannot be assholeness but it can be awkwardness, bad dancing skills, or a random sense of humor. This ratio assures that you can always talk to your partner about having to maybe deal with shit and that they will listen if you have to tell them to stop if you no longer feel comfortable.
2. We will use lube so as to not tear our rectums. I can’t emphasize enough how important this is. It’s really hot if you have a vagina and you’re already so wet that you can just transfer some of that natural lube to your ass but if that can’t happen then you definitely need to make sure that you have some lube on hand—and I mean real lube not lotion, especially not if it’s perfumed; our assholes are sensitive and you don’t want to put some harsh frangrance or chemical up there.
3. We will practice breathing exercises. We all know how important breathing is to achieving orgasm. Don’t we all hold our breath when we feel it there, right there? And when we need to relax, aren’t we told to “take a deep breath”? Well lets put these two together and we can make sure that anal sex always feels good. The last time I had anal sex, there was this moment in which it started to feel a little uncomfortable, then I breathed in deeply and found that I could take his entire penis in my ass. And I totally got off and he did too and it was fucking glorious.
4. We will try to poop before and clean up. Just because you have to face the reality that you might encounter poop if you’re sticking something up your ass doesn’t mean that you have to expect it or swim in it when you’re fucking. Nah, try to let it all out before you expect to have sex and make sure the area is as clean as possible. You should also make sure to clean up afterward. There are gross things that live in poop and those gross things can give you gross things. Yuck. You could even take a shower together after; I love that!
   
5. We will use condoms. It turns out that our bums are like sponges and are more susceptible to sexually transmitted infections than other areas of our bodies. Unless you and your partner have both tested negative and have both made the (sober) decision to not use condoms, don’t risk it. Wrap it up, kiddies.
6. We will make sure everything is stimulated. The very talented among us are capable of getting off just through anal penetration. Many of us, however, need some extra help. Here is where I good toy comes in handy because the best is when I can be penetrated both anally and vaginally (damn, I sure am an open book, huh?). Play with my clitoris; that’s always awesome. But be forewarned, that’s how Becky uh, lost control.
7. We will always make sure to give and receive. It’s always best this way. To get anally penetrated is awesome but it’s also great to know that you are giving someone one of the best sexual sensations of their lives. Besides nobody likes a sapo in bed; you know, someone who just lies there como un sapo while the other person does all the work.
8. We want you to play with and tease our culos first. Remember? SUA-VE-CI-TO. Teasing doesn’t just heighten the dopeness that is sex, it also serves the very practical purpose of getting us ready for it. By playing with the anus before actually penetrating it, you can make your partner relax as well as want it more. This is especially true for those who are new to anal sex. Use a pinky, a tongue, some nice vibrating anal beads (oh yeah, they make those. Anyone, wanna buy me a Christmas present?), whatever; just make your partner want it.
9. We want the lines of communication open. Before, during, and after anal sex. Before: talk about poop and about your desires. During: do you like it? Was one position better than another? Does it hurt too much and you want to stop? After: What did you like/dislike? What do you want to try next? ¡Habla, coño!
10. We recognize the political, social, and emotional implications of what we’re doing and feel awesome about fucking outside of the box. The supreme level of relationship incredibleness is not reached simply by having great sex. It’s when you can have great sex with someone who thinks about what that great sex means. I love it, love it, love it when I can fuck someone’s brains out while saying “fuck it” to the world and “fuck you” to my insecurities.

Well, there it is darlings. I hope you have learned something or at least feel more vindicated in your desires. If this post gets just one person to love anal sex, I know I have done my job. And if you're that person, please let me know so I can die in about 100 years knowing that I truly am an agent of change.

The Politics of Penetration (Verse 2)

This is primarily a discussion between me and dictionary.com, more precisely, a discussion between me and the multiple entries listed under the word “penetration.”

1. To pierce or pass through. The most basic definition there is. As it is related to this article, penetrating someone’s rectum means to pierce it with something, usually a penis. However, in a wider definition, we should also understand it to include a finger, a dildo, or maybe even a tongue—but I don’t think tongues are hard enough to actually pierce your rectum. If you know someone that has such a tongue, please let me know; I’d like to shake his/her hand.
2. To enter and diffuse itself through; permeate. Here is where things start to get interesting and where we start to get uncomfortable with anal sex. It’s as if in the act of penetration, one leaves his/her stamp. If those who penetrate our anus “permeate” us then that leaves us, the penetrated, permanently marked, conspicuously saturated by someone else’s power. And that idea is certainly more uncomfortable than even the biggest, most oddly shaped phallus in my butt.
3. To arrive at the truth or meaning of; understand; comprehend. What can be understood about me when I allow someone to penetrate me? And when I like it? Of course, it can be understood that I am an open-minded person that sees every orifice as a potential invitation to pleasure. But more deeply, perhaps, when you penetrate me, you come to understand that I trust you as much as I trust myself because I wouldn’t let just anyone slip into the dark passages of my body. When we know something, we have power over it. Maybe I’m scared of being understood. Nah, I’m scared of being misunderstood. There are many opportunities for confusion during sex. Like, the only true moment of clarity there is during sex is post-orgasm. Anytime before that we are wrapped up in getting to that moment. How many times have I cum only to realize that I shouldn’t be fucking the person underneath me in the first place? How many times have I wanted to scream “I FUCKING LOVE YOU” when having sex only to then be so grateful that I didn’t after I felt that "shudder in the loins.” I can’t remember half of the random shit I scream during sex. And if someone only knows the “me” in bed, then the potential for a long list of really awkward misunderstandings is great. Nah boo, I didn’t say, “I love you,” I said, “I luck you.” Like I’m lucky to be fucking such an awesome guy. He he haaa..Have you seen my panties?
4. To obtain a share of (a market). To be penetrated is to be taken. In the worst sense, to be claimed. That’s shitty. Have you ever had sex with someone, only to realize a couple of days (hours) later that everyone knows what you did? Of course you have. Everyone has. And although you’d like to feel as if it doesn’t matter that everyone knows, it totally matters. It totally matters that everyone thinks they know what your vagina looks like, tastes like, feels like, and smells like. It totally matters that now everyone knows you start singing songs from The Little Mermaid when you fall off the cliff of orgasm. It totally does. Even the most liberated among us want a little discretion when it comes to sex, especially anal sex. But now that person with whom we have done it, has a piece of us and they can do with that piece whatever they want. And you know what? I’m not whole enough to just being giving my shit away and not care about what happens to it. So it’s scary okay? So be careful with it. Cuz if you’re careful with it, I might even let you have it again. And again.
5. To affect or impress (the mind or feelings) deeply. OMG. It is rare, so RARE to have sex with someone and forget about him or her like that (insert snap of the fingers here). Even if it was bad. Especially if it was bad. Take Becky for instance (remember her?), she wanted to forget about smearing her poop all over this dude’s dick but she just couldn’t. Because, as I explained above, this dude took a piece of her upon piercing her, a sloppy, shit-stained piece, but a piece nonetheless. It may be hard for me to recall every person I have fucked. Please don’t ask me to make a list, I’ll just wind up feeling bad about myself and fucking someone random out of self-pity, not because I have had sex with so many dudes that I can’t remember (uh…right) but that my memory is so bad and that means one of two things (or both): I’m either getting old or I have done permanent damage to some really important part of my brain from so much weed-smoking. But names aren’t important (right?) not as important as feelings and faces. Maybe I don’t want to remember the way the muscles in someone’s face slack when they first feel the inside of my excited vagina or my expectant anus. Maybe once I take that piece of them, I’ll feel too heavy and, as you can imagine, I got my own shit to carry; I certainly don’t need the weight of the memory of someone who may or may not have been good in bed. Humph. Certainly not.
   

How do I wrap this section up, now? By musing on power. Penetration is certainly an act of domination. I don’t need to remind you that it’s not always a peaceful/sexy kind of domination either. Think of all the violent words we use to describe the act of penetration: stab, cut, tear it up, beat it up, hit it, nail, pound, gut, etc etc. I’m definitely guilty of using these terms both in and out of the bed. Don’t misunderstand me; I don’t think these words or penetration are inherently violent (duh). Nor do I think that violent sex is necessarily a bad thing, as long as the people participating in it are 100% down with it and there is a very clear way to express when one is no longer down with it. But I do think it’s important to recognize the power inherent in penetration. That way, at least we can play with it as we play with our partners and ourselves. Think of anal sex as one big play date supervised by our favorite baby-sitter Foucault. Foucault, that baby-sitter who always invites someone over once he’s put you to bed and you get to watch them do it from the crack in the door. That post-structuralist motherfucker who loves flipping shit inside out. Put this shit in your pipe and smoke it:

The medical examination, the psychiatric investigation, the pedagogical report, the family controls may have the over-all and apparent objective of saying no to all wayward sexualities, but the fact is that they function as mechanisms with a double impetus: pleasure and power [oh God, yes]. The pleasure that comes of exercising a power that questions, monitors, watches, spies, searches out, palpates, brings to light; and on the other hand, the pleasure that kindles [mmmm] at having to evade this power, flee from it, fool it, or travesty it. The power that lets itself be invaded [penetrated?] by the pleasure it is pursuing; and opposite it, power asserting it in the pleasure of showing off, scandalizing, or resisting. Capture and seduction [oh!], confrontation and mutual reinforcement…These attractions, these evasions, these circular incitements [oh shit oh shit…I…] have traced around bodies and sexes, not boundaries not to be crossed, but perpetual spirals of power and pleasure [qué ricoooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh].

Gracias, y buenas noches.

***

So, because I wrote so much about penetration, I have decided to leave Verse 2 as is and make Verse 3 about the stupid homophobes and gender conformists. Verse 4 is the Ten Point Program For More Liberating Sex. So...keep your eyes peeled!

Are You a Banal Sex Queen? (Verse 1)

I’ll be the first to admit it: I’m unique in many ways. I like the smell of my own bellybutton and inhale deeply when walking through the suburbs and get a sudden whiff of skunk. I eat the rind on Brie cheese. I like anal sex. It’s true. I do. Uniqueness, unfortunately, has its price. Until recently, I’ve been embarrassed, ashamed even, to admit my fondness for butt sex for fear of being called, you know, slutty or, even worse, docile. But in the past few months, here is what I’ve realized: ANAL SEX=LIBERATION. Hell yeah. And I put it in caps! What of it? I think everyone needs to have more anal sex. But before I go into how this will come to be (oh yes, you better believe there is a Ten Point Program at the end of this essay), I want to start with a quick reflection on why I think people in general, not just women, have an aversion to anal sex. Yes there is an explicit ban of sodomy in the holy books of the Abrahamic religions. But I don’t think that God’s aversion to butt sex keeps your average non-believer, half-assed believer, or sexually adventurous believer from doing it. If anything, I know lots of Catholic girls who have butt sex as teenagers so they can still call themselves virgins when they get married (ha ha ha…ahh the Catholics).

What follows is the first part in a three part series on the wonderfulness of anal sex and a helpful list of suggestions on how to add it to your sex life. Verse 1, which you are about to read, and Verse 2, which will come next week, address the reasons why I think people scrunch their noses at the mere thought of anal sex. I narrow down the reasons why we keep our culos cluelessly closed to the following: first, it hurts; second, we hate reminding ourselves of our own shit; third, some see it as an act of domination; and fourth, the moronic homophobes out there think it’s gay. Verse 3 is a manifesto of sorts, listing ten logical actions one can take to make anal pleasure a reality.

Part 1: Ouch

Upon seeing my tattoo, many people ask, “Did it hurt?” And I, always the bastion of honesty and integrity, answer, “Hell yeah, it hurt!” So it goes for anal sex. Yes it will hurt at first. Christians call it a peccatum contra naturam because, I guess, it’s not natural to stick something big and hard up your ass (or maybe, they say it’s not natural cuz God doesn’t do it but really, did anyone ever ask Him?). And therefore, since it’s not natural and we are not used to it, it might be painful at times.

Clearly, I would never advise someone to do something that causes him or her extreme pain. But what I would advise someone to do is investigate the origins of that pain. “Duh, bitch, it comes from my fucking sphincter whenever my partner shoves something in it,” you say. Okay, okay, I don’t mean that. I mean, ask yourself a few questions before you categorically dismiss anal penetration from your sexual repertoire.

• Are you 100% relaxed? If not, maybe you need to smoke a little weed. Besides the fact that sex is AWESOME when one is high, I also find that it calms me and makes me more open to butt sex. If you don’t smoke weed, I have heard there are other ways to relax; something about a massage or a warm bath or some shit like that. But trust me, weed really works.
• Are you using lube? Only the pros don’t use lube and still that’s not all the time.
• Is your partner hitting it too hard? Suavecito at first, mi amor, SUA-VE-CI-TO. My culo, at least, can’t take the same pounding as my vagina can, at least not at the onset of sex. Penetration has to start smooth and slow. Tell your partner to relax; yo ass ain’t goin nowhere, you know?
• Do you trust your partner? Maybe you can’t relax (no matter how much you’ve smoked) because you have a nagging suspicion that the person sticking something up your ass is really a big, fat douchebag. For as much as I want people in this world to have copious encounters with butt sex, I can’t dismiss the importance of trust to anal sex success. If you can’t trust your partner then you’re going to continue to worry about your shit and your going to focus on the pain instead of letting yourself feel the pleasure.
• Have you tried different positions? Not all penises and dildos are made the same (¡qué rica es la diversidad!) and the rectum is curved. Without careful experimentation, anal sex can be like forcing a square peg in a round hole, not only will it be painful but also both partners are likely to get nowhere fast.
  

As with many things (exercise, tattoos, spicy foods), there is a thin line between pain and pleasure when it comes to anal sex. Walking that line is not easy but it’s also not as difficult as you would think. Besides, it’s totally worth a try. Trust me, jewel love it.

Part 2: Am I shitting or cumming cuz I can’t tell…

Gather ‘round kiddies, cuz I’m gonna tell you a little story. Once there was this woman named…Becky, yeah, Becky. Becky was lucky enough to find a fuckbuddy who cared more about the pleasures of the flesh than about societal norms of what is gross or acceptable. Becky and her fuckbuddy, therefore, had lots of anal sex. One night, the friend was hitting it hard and Becky loved it, just loved it. She could feel from the inside out that she was about to have one of the most significant orgasms of her life. And as her knees buckled, her eyes closed shut, she sucked in her breath and bit her lower lip, she went to another place. Jesus, it was fantastic. But when she opened her eyes and stepped gingerly out of Heaven, she began to smell something familiar yet woefully out of context.

Did I fart or is that…She reaches back to her butt and her fingers meet with the nastiness that is her own feces. Fuck!

“I’ll be right back,” her friend said nonchalantly and sauntered off to the bathroom.

I just shat all over someone’s dick. ¡Qué fucking vergüenza! Although her friend returned from the bathroom eager for another round Becky could not even let him touch her. How could she? She just soiled this dude’s cock with her own shit. She couldn’t even look him in the eye. That night they slept but didn’t cuddle and Becky had horrible, shit-smeared nightmares.

Alas, if we are to embrace anal sex, we must be willing to embrace our own shit. Yet, our obsession with disguising the undesirable makes that an exceedingly difficult task. Indeed, where did this notion of shit being so gross come from? I’m currently reading The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera and as it turns out, he muses quite beautifully about the metaphysical meaning of shit (which is, by the way, just one of the reasons why I don’t want this book to end). He says, “The fact that until recently the word ‘shit’ has appeared in print as s--- has nothing to do with moral considerations. You can’t claim that shit is immoral, after all! The objection to shit is purely a metaphysical one. The daily defecation session is daily proof of the unacceptability of Creation. Either/or: either shit is acceptable (in which case don’t lock yourself in the bathroom!) or we are created in an unacceptable manner.” Who among us, whether you believe in evolution or creationism, is going to argue that human beings are imperfect simply because we shit? In forging an argument that human beings shouldn’t shit, one either ends up with an evolutionary impossibility (are there animals that don’t shit?) or you go toe-to-toe with God and say, “nah man, you did it all wrong and Imma fix it.”

So, how can one come to terms with his/her own shit (here, I am afraid, I am using the word both literally and figuratively)? Clearly, humans are obsessed with the idea of masking our shit. There are a multitude of sprays, candles, and potpourri packets one can purchase in the hopes that the person entering the bathroom after us will not guess what we did in the mere minutes before they sat on the toilet. We make fancy toilet bowls and flowered toilet bowl covers to help us forget that we are voiding our bowels and flushing our shit to a place where it will meet the intestinal contents of the strangers who live in our cities and towns. Fuck that. Shit is shit and I’m not going to let it ruin my potential for physical pleasure. Instead, I am going to talk to my partner (with whom I feel comfortable, of course) about anal sex, I’m going to admit to him/her that I fart and poop just like everyone else, and I’m going to discuss the very real possibility of having to clean up a messy situation. Because as we all know (but won’t admit) a good shit is the closest thing to a good orgasm. If we, as a society, are becoming more open to talking about cumming and sex in general, then it should follow that we can discuss shit and deal with shit.

*****

Ready for more? Sorry, you’ll have to wait a week, boo! But trust me, it’ll be good. In Verse 2, I will address the following two subjects:

1. The politics of domination: or why Foucault makes me wet
2. Stupid homophobes and gender conformists need to eat shit and die because they’re totally making it hard for me to get off