On Big Penises

The late twenties are awesome, for the most part. I feel a lot more confident in myself. I have much better sex then I ever have before (carajo, remember having sex as a teenager? How wack was that shit?). I no longer imagine a caring, loving relationship will come every time I make someone cum (crazyteenagethoughts) and sex can really just be about fulfilling physical needs (stroooong physical needs). And that's cool when that happens...

And it does. That is until I realize that I'm a woman and that there are emotions lurking in the dark corners of every single experience I have. The good thing is, when it comes to me and sex, these emotions are rarely amorous so it's not as if I'm setting myself up to get hurt. The bad thing is that these emotions are kind of neurotic and prohibit me from truly enjoying sex sometimes (I know, right!).

Okay. Now here comes a story…and then some advice, for dudes mostly but I think there is a larger lesson to be learned that everyone can appreciate. It's a story I must tell, even at the risk of exposing too much. Think of it as a fable. As a matter of fact, it is a fable. Complete with anthropomorphism. Here it goes:

Once upon a time, Rabbit suddenly found herself single and excited to be back in the woodland-creature dating world. She met many other creatures, most of whom were cool—at least not insane. She was even open-minded enough to date Turnip (but she found him dreadfully emotionally vacant and couldn’t deal). Soon she began to date two creatures at once. Fox and Field Mouse, although vastly different in most ways, were excitingly alike in one: they were both very well-endowed. Naturally, Rabbit felt like she had hit the lottery.

Gradually, however, Fox started being his sly, stupid-ass self and Field Mouse revealed himself to be the meek, simple-minded twerp that his remarkably cute exterior hid from Rabbit for so long. Now Rabbit was confused. So she escaped to the depths of her rabbit hole to sit down for a good think. She mulled over the following questions: Does a big penis make up for being a self-centered, manipulative prick? Can a big penis compensate for a lack of intelligence or low self-esteem? Is it okay to wake up one morning, bleary-eyed and fuzzy-minded, next to someone you despise, completely regretful not of the fact that you had sex with someone you can’t stand but of the fact that you are not high enough to have that hot-ass sex again? Aahh…so many questions. But where were the answers?

That night, Rabbit woke to the sound of her name being whispered through the leaves.

“Who’s there? Who’s calling me?” she asked frantically as she pulled the sheets up to cover her naked body (there had been talk of some kind of forest freak peeping into rabbit holes without an invitation; she had to be safe.)

“Raaaaaabbiiiiiiiit…Raaaaaaaaaaaabiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit…” the sweet and distant voice repeated.

“Who is that?! You better not be some kind of creep!”

“Nena, it’s Oak Tree! Get your ass out of bed so we can talk.”

“Oh,” she said sheepishly, “I’ll be right there.”

Oak Tree was the wisest spirit in all of the forest. Rabbit knew that she would now find the answers to all of her questions.

“Rabbit,” Oak Tree began, “I sense you have been struggling with some difficult shit. I think I may be able to help you out. I’ve seen a lot. And I’ve learned not to take shit from anyone, least of all some HOMbre. So, what is it? CuĂ©ntame, mi amor.”

When Rabbit finished her story, the wise oak sat back and just shook her head. After a short while, she spoke:

“Damn. Isn’t it shitty when a man builds his whole entire personality on such a shaky foundation like that? Ah, Rabbit, a large member is a wonderful thing but it’s like when you go to some big chain store, like H&M or something, and you realize that they undercharged you for an item that you really wanted in the first place and would have paid full price for. You take it. You’re excited. Youre not gonna return it even if you don’t deserve the accidental discount. But you would have been happy anyway because you wanted that item in the first place. You decided that blouse or that pair of shoes was for you before you knew that either one would come with a bonus. Me entiende?

"Now, Rabbit, with that said, a man with a monstrous penis still cannot get away with the following:
  1. Wearing leather dress sandals
  2. Being an asshole or absolutely insane (this one, oddly, is the hardest for women to understand)
  3. Wearing tims and shorts
  4. Being racist, sexist, homophobic, heterosexist or ignorant in any other way
  5. Not being able to hold a conversation post- or pre-sex
  6. Being unattractive…”
“Hold up," Rabbit interrupted, "number six just contradicted every porn I’ve ever seen in my whole entire life!”

“Oh Rabbit, pornography is a genre of film just like Horror or Romantic Comedy," Oak Tree explained. "Do you believe that zombies will one day come and vomit blood in your face and eat your eyeballs out?”


“Do you believe that a big, fat, drunk ugly dude can randomly get a drunk, pretty girl pregnant and that they will fall in love, have a beautiful, bouncing baby and live happily ever after?”


“Then why would you ever believe what you see in a porno?”

“I guess you’re right,” Rabbit admitted.

“I know I’m right. That’s all I have for now. Besides, that’s all I think you can handle. You must go and contemplate the knowledge I just dropped on yo ass. Bye, nena.”

“Bye Oak Tree. Thanks for listening.”

Oak Tree closed her eyes and went to sleep. Rabbit hopped away to her bunny hole, her mind still heavy even though she knew the answers and knew the right thing to do. She lay in bed for about 22 minutes, staring at the dirt ceiling before she picked up her cell phone and called Field Mouse. He would be over in ten minutes. Guaranteed. Just enough time for her to have a whiskey and think some more.

“Ah sheeiit,” she exhaled as she opened the bottle.


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