Are You a Banal Sex Queen? (Verse 1)

I’ll be the first to admit it: I’m unique in many ways. I like the smell of my own bellybutton and inhale deeply when walking through the suburbs and get a sudden whiff of skunk. I eat the rind on Brie cheese. I like anal sex. It’s true. I do. Uniqueness, unfortunately, has its price. Until recently, I’ve been embarrassed, ashamed even, to admit my fondness for butt sex for fear of being called, you know, slutty or, even worse, docile. But in the past few months, here is what I’ve realized: ANAL SEX=LIBERATION. Hell yeah. And I put it in caps! What of it? I think everyone needs to have more anal sex. But before I go into how this will come to be (oh yes, you better believe there is a Ten Point Program at the end of this essay), I want to start with a quick reflection on why I think people in general, not just women, have an aversion to anal sex. Yes there is an explicit ban of sodomy in the holy books of the Abrahamic religions. But I don’t think that God’s aversion to butt sex keeps your average non-believer, half-assed believer, or sexually adventurous believer from doing it. If anything, I know lots of Catholic girls who have butt sex as teenagers so they can still call themselves virgins when they get married (ha ha ha…ahh the Catholics).

What follows is the first part in a three part series on the wonderfulness of anal sex and a helpful list of suggestions on how to add it to your sex life. Verse 1, which you are about to read, and Verse 2, which will come next week, address the reasons why I think people scrunch their noses at the mere thought of anal sex. I narrow down the reasons why we keep our culos cluelessly closed to the following: first, it hurts; second, we hate reminding ourselves of our own shit; third, some see it as an act of domination; and fourth, the moronic homophobes out there think it’s gay. Verse 3 is a manifesto of sorts, listing ten logical actions one can take to make anal pleasure a reality.

Part 1: Ouch

Upon seeing my tattoo, many people ask, “Did it hurt?” And I, always the bastion of honesty and integrity, answer, “Hell yeah, it hurt!” So it goes for anal sex. Yes it will hurt at first. Christians call it a peccatum contra naturam because, I guess, it’s not natural to stick something big and hard up your ass (or maybe, they say it’s not natural cuz God doesn’t do it but really, did anyone ever ask Him?). And therefore, since it’s not natural and we are not used to it, it might be painful at times.

Clearly, I would never advise someone to do something that causes him or her extreme pain. But what I would advise someone to do is investigate the origins of that pain. “Duh, bitch, it comes from my fucking sphincter whenever my partner shoves something in it,” you say. Okay, okay, I don’t mean that. I mean, ask yourself a few questions before you categorically dismiss anal penetration from your sexual repertoire.
  • Are you 100% relaxed? If not, maybe you need to smoke a little weed. Besides the fact that sex is AWESOME when one is high, I also find that it calms me and makes me more open to butt sex. If you don’t smoke weed, I have heard there are other ways to relax; something about a massage or a warm bath or some shit like that. But trust me, weed really works.
  • Are you using lube? Only the pros don’t use lube and still that’s not all the time.
  • Is your partner hitting it too hard? Suavecito at first, mi amor, SUA-VE-CI-TO. My culo, at least, can’t take the same pounding as my vagina can, at least not at the onset of sex. Penetration has to start smooth and slow. Tell your partner to relax; yo ass ain’t goin nowhere, you know?
  • Do you trust your partner? Maybe you can’t relax (no matter how much you’ve smoked) because you have a nagging suspicion that the person sticking something up your ass is really a big, fat douchebag. For as much as I want people in this world to have copious encounters with butt sex, I can’t dismiss the importance of trust to anal sex success. If you can’t trust your partner then you’re going to continue to worry about your shit and your going to focus on the pain instead of letting yourself feel the pleasure.
  • Have you tried different positions? Not all penises and dildos are made the same (¡qué rica es la diversidad!) and the rectum is curved. Without careful experimentation, anal sex can be like forcing a square peg in a round hole, not only will it be painful but also both partners are likely to get nowhere fast.
As with many things (exercise, tattoos, spicy foods), there is a thin line between pain and pleasure when it comes to anal sex. Walking that line is not easy but it’s also not as difficult as you would think. Besides, it’s totally worth a try. Trust me, jewel love it.

Part 2: Am I shitting or cumming cuz I can’t tell…

Gather ‘round kiddies, cuz I’m gonna tell you a little story. Once there was this woman named…Becky, yeah, Becky. Becky was lucky enough to find a fuckbuddy who cared more about the pleasures of the flesh than about societal norms of what is gross or acceptable. Becky and her fuckbuddy, therefore, had lots of anal sex. One night, the friend was hitting it hard and Becky loved it, just loved it. She could feel from the inside out that she was about to have one of the most significant orgasms of her life. And as her knees buckled, her eyes closed shut, she sucked in her breath and bit her lower lip, she went to another place. Jesus, it was fantastic. But when she opened her eyes and stepped gingerly out of Heaven, she began to smell something familiar yet woefully out of context.

Did I fart or is that…She reaches back to her butt and her fingers meet with the nastiness that is her own feces. Fuck!

“I’ll be right back,” her friend said nonchalantly and sauntered off to the bathroom.

I just shat all over someone’s dick. ¡Qué fucking vergüenza! Although her friend returned from the bathroom eager for another round Becky could not even let him touch her. How could she? She just soiled this dude’s cock with her own shit. She couldn’t even look him in the eye. That night they slept but didn’t cuddle and Becky had horrible, shit-smeared nightmares.

Alas, if we are to embrace anal sex, we must be willing to embrace our own shit. Yet, our obsession with disguising the undesirable makes that an exceedingly difficult task. Indeed, where did this notion of shit being so gross come from? I’m currently reading The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera and as it turns out, he muses quite beautifully about the metaphysical meaning of shit (which is, by the way, just one of the reasons why I don’t want this book to end). He says, “The fact that until recently the word ‘shit’ has appeared in print as s--- has nothing to do with moral considerations. You can’t claim that shit is immoral, after all! The objection to shit is purely a metaphysical one. The daily defecation session is daily proof of the unacceptability of Creation. Either/or: either shit is acceptable (in which case don’t lock yourself in the bathroom!) or we are created in an unacceptable manner.” Who among us, whether you believe in evolution or creationism, is going to argue that human beings are imperfect simply because we shit? In forging an argument that human beings shouldn’t shit, one either ends up with an evolutionary impossibility (are there animals that don’t shit?) or you go toe-to-toe with God and say, “nah man, you did it all wrong and Imma fix it.”

So, how can one come to terms with his/her own shit (here, I am afraid, I am using the word both literally and figuratively)? Clearly, humans are obsessed with the idea of masking our shit. There are a multitude of sprays, candles, and potpourri packets one can purchase in the hopes that the person entering the bathroom after us will not guess what we did in the mere minutes before they sat on the toilet. We make fancy toilet bowls and flowered toilet bowl covers to help us forget that we are voiding our bowels and flushing our shit to a place where it will meet the intestinal contents of the strangers who live in our cities and towns. Fuck that. Shit is shit and I’m not going to let it ruin my potential for physical pleasure. Instead, I am going to talk to my partner (with whom I feel comfortable, of course) about anal sex, I’m going to admit to him/her that I fart and poop just like everyone else, and I’m going to discuss the very real possibility of having to clean up a messy situation. Because as we all know (but won’t admit) a good shit is the closest thing to a good orgasm. If we, as a society, are becoming more open to talking about cumming and sex in general, then it should follow that we can discuss shit and deal with shit.

Ready for more? Sorry, you’ll have to wait a week, boo! But trust me, it’ll be good. In Verse 2, I will address the following two subjects:
  1. The politics of domination: or why Foucault makes me wet
  2. Stupid homophobes and gender conformists need to eat shit and die because they’re totally making it hard for me to get off


Post a Comment


Blog Template by YummyLolly.com